So I am still not QUITE 100% ut I am going into work anyway. Last night I got a screaming text from a contractor who was livid that I had not made his life easier so I am not really sure how today will play out. After I got the message I went for a very long drive...in the dark...in the rain. I succeeded in getting myself pretty well lost and was only able to find my way home thanks to a friend on the phone and GPS. Got to sleep late, woke up early...yada,yada,yada.
This contractor is a personal friend of my boss and I am pretty sure there will be repercussions. Mondays around the office are usually pretty stressful because we have so much to do. Last night as I was ling down to sleep I entertained the concept of what I would do if I lost this job because of all this. Now I am not really sure that is an option, unless I do something stupid like quit over principles. In the past that would be my reaction to this. I would puff up my shirt like some lout in an old cartoon in PUNCH, yammer on and on about how "I won't be treated like this" and other such nonsense and then I would storm out. In short I would let the bullies win. Just like I have let them win for most of my life.
The trouble is manifold now though. Nick is accepted to his expensive design school and whereas I wish he were going to go into a field I didn't know so much about (game design) I will support him in anything he does as long as he follows through. I never got to go away to college so he NEEDS TO.
Additionally there is the fact that this job is, well what I trained to do in college. It is what I have built my skills up for in the intervening years. In filmmaking they call it "carrying cans" (referring back to cans of film stock) and in other professions they call it "paying our dues". I have already paid my dues in other fields, but those fields are closed off to me now and in fact they don't interest me anymore. I set the next few years aside to work at this job to pay my dues (and pay my son's way through college). I can't let the bullies take that away from him...(in these matters I am collateral damage, Nick needs to go to school). By extension then I need to deal with this.
Finally there is the simple fact that I like the people I work with. They are quirky at times, infuriating at other but in the end they are always good people. At the same time this contractor has something the company needs, the studio he rents out and we use to impress the clients. So that fact, combined with the mercurial nature of Mondays in the office leaves me wondering once again if I will be employed at the end of the day.
All the years I hid in the WESTFALIA I think was because I knew in my heart (the broken one) that if I went back to work with other people that there was a real possibility I would have to deal with this sort of thing. I kept sleeping in the van because freezing my ass off was easier than dealing with the simple fact that I am incapable anymore of doing that exact thing. The realization than behind all the grey hair is just a scared kid, who doesn't trust anyone and feels all alone. Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, it is what I perceive and perception is reality.
